Stop trying to get rid of anxiety. Stop trying to punish the anxiety. Stop trying to distract the anxiety, or suppress it. Learn to understand the anxiety, to have compassion for the anxiety. Where is it pointing?

– Dr. Shefali Tsabary

 

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ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s ground-breaking approach to mindful living and parenting has taken her books to the top of the NY Times best-sellers list. As a leader in the field of mindfulness psychology, Dr. Shefali’s approach blends the worlds of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy. Her recent book Superpowered: Transform Anxiety into Courage, Confidence, and Resilience is perfectly timed as we discuss navigating these unprecedented times for ourselves, and on behalf of our children and loved ones. With insights into parenting, conscious relationships, and a loving relationship to self, Dr. Shefali shares her perspective on how to reclaim our power in the face of anxiety.

Dr. Shefali is a New York Times Bestselling Author, world-renowned clinical psychologist, and international speaker at conferences and workshops around the world. Her books, The Awakened Family, The Conscious Parent, and Out of Control, have revolutionized parenting for families across the globe. She has appeared on Oprah’s SuperSoul Sessions, SuperSoul Sunday, and Lifeclass, and has spoken at The Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education, Wisdom 2.0, TEDx, and many other educational and transformational centers worldwide. Dr. Shefali received her doctorate from Columbia University and maintains a private practice in New York. Her ground-breaking message integrates Eastern philosophy and Western psychology, with the power and potential to change lives for generations to come.

 

SHOW NOTES

Dr. Shefali’s Website | Superpowered: Transform Anxiety into Courage, Confidence, and Resilience
Conscious Parenting Coaching

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Episode Transcription

Dr. Shefali
Stop trying to get rid of anxiety. Stop trying to punish the anxiety stop trying to distract the anxiety or suppress it. Learn to understand the anxiety have compassion for the anxiety. Where is it pointing?

Vanessa
Welcome to the NUSHU podcast. I’m your host, Vanessa Cornell. I invite you with love into this space to learn and grow with me. And for a brief moment of the day, come home to yourself.

Welcome to this episode. In it, I speak with Dr. Shefali, a brilliant teacher who has taught me so much about conscious parenting. In the height of our collective anxiety. During this pandemic, we discussed how to help our children, how to show up for our children, how to help them manage their anxiety, when we’re pretty busy managing our own. But we also dive into so much more. We talk about this particular moment in time. And what can happen when we enter into a space of major disruption. How can we use it as a portal to healing to transform our anxiety into resilience? And to emerge stronger, more conscious more easeful and confident? I really want to talk to you, Dr. Shefali, about your new book. It’s It’s so great and so needed. My first question is, how do you think about as parents what our kids need from us now? Is it different than before? For sure.

Dr. Shefali
So conscious parenting really advocates for the parent to be constantly seeking attunement with the isness of the moment. So we can take that and try to adapt it to what’s going on right now. So what they need from you is that what do they need from me? They need me in you, they need the parent to attune to the business of the moment. So what is the business of the current pandemic? The business is chaos, unpredictability, the future is certainly unknown. Zoom technology, which is more boring than in person, if that’s possible. Except what we’re doing right now. We’re not boring. Our children are coping with a lack of socialization and lack of their schedules, lack of their organization, we are not happy with them being home all the time were not available, because we used to do work when they went to school. So this is the business to best daughter most consciously parent means, but tuning to the needs that this is this brings about. So given that this is the business, the next question to ask is what are the needs? So I walked into my daughter who’s in bed in our pajamas with a hoodie in my bed, all like with her drink and her laptop and and supposedly study? So when I walked in, I saw her she was on the phone. Anything but studying? Yes. And then I went a little bit into my wardrobe came back still on her phone. And the instinct in me was to say, what are you doing is supposed to be studying and focus. But then I said, Okay, what is the business? The business is that it’s boring. If the business is that it’s an adjustment, the business is that it’s chaotic, they could barely pay attention in person. I don’t blame them. So I was about to admonish and use my patience and be righteous. And then I said, you know, what is the business businesses that this is a shit show, kinda. And I need to have compassion, the fact that she’s sitting there straight up, supposedly looking at the screen, maybe that’s all I can expect right now. And I didn’t say a word. And I just left the room. What is that to say? I mean, it’s so unpredictable. What can we do right now our kids have holding on by a thread. And really, actually all of America is holding on by a thread. So putting anything more in terms of prestige, or achieving or, you know, or or succeeding, maybe pushing it a bit too much at this present moment.

Vanessa
Yeah. So I’d love to lean into that what you said because, you know, I lead a lead off with parenting, but of course, that’s not all you do. And we’re all hanging on by a thread. And so there’s a lot of self criticism. I should be Why can’t I I have all this time. I’m tired. I feel guilty about it. And so what I was struck by in your, what my instinct was to admonish, and then I said, No, I gotta, I gotta let it go. Feels like we need to do that for ourselves, too, don’t we?

Dr. Shefali
Yeah. So what’s happening right? Now is a real call to healing. But a call to healing only comes through trauma. You know, like trauma is a call to healing. I say pain is a portal of greater consciousness. And this right now is a drama. We are going through a global trauma and certainly an American from given how our parents are handling the situation. We don’t have leadership, we don’t have direction. We don’t have vision. We don’t have optimism. We have no mommy and daddy, who you know mommy and daddy are drinking and slobbering on the couch, or only caring about themselves. So we children are feeling the trauma. What happens in a trauma like this is that it has the potential to evoke old trauma. So we we are therefore decompensating at alarming rates. When this book was conceived three years ago, there was one in five children diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. This was three years ago. So imagine now, what the rates are. So yes, we are going through a global trauma, certainly a domestic trauma, certainly, many people are re evoking old trauma. But precisely because this is a moment of pressing pause, that all our old traumas now come up, it is an opportunity to heal. So we have to understand that our lethargy, our apathy, you know, we don’t know should we start a home gym, like buy a home gym? Like just something simple like that, right? Like a decision? Should we buy a home gym? But then what if the other gyms, you know, what, if they find a cure tomorrow, and then the gyms open up, then? So let’s not just like, let’s just not exercise, you know, just wait, because you get confused. We’re in between lands, you know, should I should I do this over? What’s the point I want to be traveling for another year? Should I did it, but I want you know, so we have the impetus from the old life, but then we are in a major pause. So this back and fourth really is traumatic marriage, marital trauma or recent trauma, it’s going to come up. And that’s why this is this is not only a pandemic of COVID. It’s a pandemic of a mental health crisis. So therefore, we have to recognize when we’re apathetic, when we’re listless when we’re procrastinating when we’re in limbo, we don’t, some days are great, you know, we are in a manic high. And then some days are like, so low. We don’t know what to do. So we’re lab rats in this experiment, really. So we have to be cognizant of the business business is that it’s a shit show. It’s it’s hilarious. It’s tragic. It’s restful, it’s chaotic. It’s got all the dichotomies in it. And we we don’t, we’re in between the old and the new, this is traumatic, we have to be very gentle with ourselves. very loving, don’t put extra pressure to be a fitness buff, and don’t put extra pressure to now, you know, keep up with the Joneses. I mean, we got to release the pressure at this time. Yeah,

Vanessa
you say that pain is a portal. To me, it feels like pain is a portal, because there’s so much information in pain, right? There’s so much we can learn in that moment of trauma and chaos and pain and suffering, what makes that transform into healing? And what creates simply a trauma response where you’re spinning, and you just can’t make progress out of that space, to a place where you can move through it to healing. You know,

Dr. Shefali
you ask you what is that ingredient, you know, what separates someone who can transform pain into power, and one who just spirals in the pain? You know, that’s really hard to say, because it’s such an individual epiphany that happens. It’s not like the strong and the brave. And, and the tall, do this, you know, or the ones who had no trauma in the past, dude, we don’t know who’s going to do it. How? Of course the prognosis is better for somebody who’s been on the path, who’s been meditating, who understand that this is an illusion, who sees through the surface seductions of this chaotic time? You know, so those people are definitely going to be tested but they can they have a conceptual framework? So they should be better off right? But there’s no guarantee those who have never been on a spiritual path, have an opportunity now to go you know what this is either my wake up call, or I’m just going to cycle like I’ve always cycled in life and blame the COVID blame that this blame but ignorance is kind of bliss. It’s it’s torture, but it’s kind of bliss because you’re like, this is what I’ve always done. So it’s really those the undecided voters, you know, not those who have been on a spiritual path, not those who are just going to be just blind, the in the middle who have an opportunity to say you know, I not free, but I don’t want to do the old. What do I do? And for those people, pick up a cartoon. Take one of my courses, go to Oprah go to Deepak Chopra, go somewhere, pick up a book, take a course, call a therapist, and and shift your life around, you know, it can take one, one turn around the Epiphany to, during the undecided voter into into either category.

Vanessa
Yeah, yeah. That’s beautifully said. Let’s, let’s circle back to your book for a moment. Okay. So I read this book. And all I could think was, boy, I didn’t have this language. When I was a kid. I mean, not even close to this language. I didn’t have this language until I was in my late 30s. In some ways, actually, the kids are more resilient. They’re more in the business. They’re like, Mom, this sucks. And this sucks. And this sucks. And this sucks, right? And they’re mad, and they’re sad, and they’re frustrated, and they’re bored. Whereas we adults, spin lots of stories about, you know, this is terrible, but I should be grateful. How am I compared to everyone else in the world? And let me look at the overall that and you know, we get caught in these really complex stories, whereas the kids are like, you know, these are the five things that suck today.

Dr. Shefali
Kids don’t need to embellish, adored, and put the icing. They’re like, it sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. But they’re okay in it. Yeah, and this will evoke our anxiety. Because we like it till a pretty we like to know where we’re going. And five, we like to know what’s happening. You know, and we want to make our kids not say it sucks, because we’re like, Listen to me, child, you know, I’ve worked hard to make you happy. And now this damn COVID is making you unhappy. And now you’re upset with me all day. And I don’t like it. So I want you to keep thinking of me as an amazing person. And give me the the feeling that I’ve given you an amazing life. And now it’s all you know, gone down the drain. So evokes our anxiety. It’s okay for our kids to say it sucks because it does suck. But with this book, there are many tools, how we can go it sucks. And, and then if your kid is spiraling, there’s language here. And and it’s filled with activities if people haven’t bought the book is filled with graphics and activities. And you’re right, it’s in the languaging. You know, if we parents don’t have the right language, then how are we even going to begin to communicate? And the first thing we teach parents is that anxiety is not the problem. So if your kid says it sucks, he’s right. If your kid says I mentioned he’s right, if you could says I’m scared, she’s right. It’s not about the symptom. It’s about what is feeding into the anxiety. So I’ll give you go. Let’s go back to the example of when my daughters START study, but not study. So what is my anxiety? Right? I’m having anxiety. So if I wasn’t conscious, I’d have anxiety. Anxiety always equals control. Therefore, every time you’re in control, you have to ask yourself, why am I feeling anxious? It’s connected. So every time I’m in control, I need to go Whoa, what’s happening within me am feeling anxious. Now, I know anxiety is not the problem. You see, as long as we think anxiety is a problem, we will use control to get rid of it. But if anxiety is not the problem, we don’t need to use control because it’s not the problem. So what let’s go underneath What is the problem? Oh, my fears. So what are my fears? So in this book, we cover all the fears that we have the same fears. So one of the fears is fears of the future. You know, what if? What if Mikey doesn’t get into college? What if What did you realize is what if she fails? So I noticed? And I realized that this is driving the anxiety, which wants me to control? So I go back to that, what if, so, I go, Okay, what if? What if? What if, what if were these thoughts? Are they in the past? Are they in the present or in the future in the future? Oh, they’re in the future. So then if you’re, if you’re that conscious, you can say, well, is the future here. Now? What’s here? What’s now? Oh, she’s a bit distracted. Okay. But is she also attracted? Yes, you see, so that we deconstruct come back to the present, go back to our breath, and we realize the roof isn’t blowing off the house. It’s okay for this month. It’s not perfect. But it’s okay. And this is how this book teaches us step by step to come back. So another thing this book teaches kids to do, but we need to learn as well. is the reason we’re feeling that right now. Is because we lost our purpose. We have so much purpose before we were like going into the future, going for baseball and you know, having wine with our friends and going for a Broadway show. And now all that is gone. So we feel purposeless Well, I’m I don’t know what to do. And this book teaches us to go back into asking the why why Why have my life? How do I read develop meaning, and that’s what we teach your kids to do as well. This whole pandemic can have a lot of meaning like what you’re doing. You’re like, you know what, I’m going to go to zoom and create meaningful conversations, I’m going to shift my why. I’m not going to be like, Why can I need in the living room? I’m going to shift the what is my why my Why is connection? How do I make connection? And you shift your why. And you enter new alignment with the isness of this moment, and boom, you have some purpose.

Vanessa
I think what a lot of people are struggling with is that they weren’t attuned to their why before. But they had lots of distraction. Yeah, lots of distraction. And so what would you say to someone who says, I want to find my purpose?

Dr. Shefali
First and foremost, if the person is asking that that is huge. They can’t ask that. You know that two ways of asking that question. One is I I don’t know what my why’s I don’t even know what my why’s What is my purpose, that energy? Or? Damn, I’ve never had purpose. This is showing me I never had purpose. What was I doing before? Oh, my God, I was just distracted. What is my purpose? See the difference? So the same words, different energy. So I always listen for the energy, I just don’t listen to the words because words can fool us, you know? So what if the person is really seeking wonderful, like, this is the best thing that could happen to them? It’s a game changer. Okay, so people often asking, but how then after the Why is though? How right? How do I find the why. So the How is very simple. It’s like this. I’ll give another analogy. If you say that you love smelling and looking at flowers? And then you say, but how do I fulfill that purpose as you go to a place where there’s lots of flowers. So in terms of wisdom, go to your favorite teachers. And you find your little community, and you enter that teachers fold and they will have courses, and then they will have a community. And then then you start embedding yourself in those teachings. And now you’re on your path. There’s no magic here. It’s all kind of laid out. There is a path for everything. If one is serious, one will do it. But it takes moving into the the unknown of the What do I do now? How do I do it? And then digging action?

Vanessa
Yeah. That’s beautifully said. I think that sometimes people feel also like, now I know the question, How can I have the answer tomorrow?

Dr. Shefali
Yeah, you have to stay in the unknown, you have to step into the student. And a student takes a year I say minimum a year, do a PhD or doing a PhD in one year, you have to go on a quest, you have to go on a journey. Minimum a month, give it at least 30 days, right? So it has to be something it can’t be now. Now, I wanted tomorrow, and I wanted on a horse. So I wanted to

Vanessa
ask a question, and I’m going to phrase it a little bit differently than in the question backs. The question is, what age can we not change our kids? But my question is, can we change our kids?

Dr. Shefali
So the kids as we know, come with a basic emotional blueprint or temperament or you know, you know it with having five kids, Vanessa, you think you’ve been the same parent, but you’re like, Okay, this kid and this kid are so different. Now, of course, you’re different parents with each kid, but you are basically Vanessa, how different can these kids be very different. Their basic temperament is inbuilt. Some are sensitive, some are insensitive, some are aggressive, some are passive. So if you have a very sensitive kid, and you don’t recognize this kid is so sensitive, yelling at this kid or raising your voice at this kid or giving a snarly look at this kid can quote unquote, hurt this kid way more than if you give a look to that resilient, sturdy, thick skinned kid. Very different. So you can change your kid on top of what’s already there. But what’s already there is already there and that you can’t change. You can’t tell the sensitive kid can you just grow some thick skin? And you can’t tell the thick skin? Um, you can try? Can you please be more sensitive? You can try. But it isn’t going to move much because the if there is something that’s just an is an isness of that temperament.

Vanessa
There’s a question about what ages the book is best for. Can you speak to that?

Dr. Shefali
Well, I think it’s good for parents. But that’s just me. But it’s particularly designed for the middle schooler and the high schooler to read on their own. The parent needs to read it for themselves, to learn how to talk to children because this is written in kid friendly language. It really the best advice that it gives you is to transform anxiety. So stop trying to get rid of anxiety. Stop trying to punish the anxiety stop trying to distract the anxiety or suppress it. Learn to do understandings, it could have compassion for the anxiety. Where is it pointing?

Vanessa
There’s a question here about social media. What if you know your kid is not getting an A and running around outside not getting an A and doing anything except for going down the social media rabbit hole? To me, the devices, the electronics, the video games, the social media, it’s the single most challenging thing in my home. And I suspect for a lot of others, also, what is your approach advice on how to manage and handle that

Dr. Shefali
it is a scourge and a disease and a plague and toxic and it’s a nuclear bomb. However, if you have a teenager over, like minus 17, went to bat and then a few months, I kind of can’t control it anymore. However, if I saw that the teenager was isolated, you know, in Japan, it’s called hikikomori is where they stay in their room. And don’t come on and look at the sun. I would take action, I would intervene. If I see my kid is on social media, but also social, and also doing the basics as cut some slack. Now, if I have young kids, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t let my kid have a device till like 1230. Not to 1415. No, Too Late Middle School, because it swallows your children, it takes out their brain and sends it through the garbage garbage disposal. Yeah, so if you have young kids, take it away right now. Don’t give them anything mobile, go back to the TV where you control the remote. If I could do it all over again. I would never give my kids social media ever. And I know what to do. You know, I was the first. My generation was the first generation that had kids were phone age. You know, my daughter was 12 when the iPhone came out. So forget how wanting it I wanted it. And I didn’t know it was evil and how they were designed. They didn’t know, you know, and everyone has seen social dilemma. I’m sure. People didn’t mean for things to turn the way they did, but they have turned toxic. So if you have young kids, save your kids protect your kids. Yeah.

Vanessa
Yeah. It’s it’s an ongoing battle, very challenging. Let’s talk about those highly sensitive children. Someone asked a question about her son who’s highly sensitive I have. I have a daughter who at the beginning of COVID, was crying every night. And she couldn’t tell me why. And I think she felt it. I mean, I think she felt that collective energy of grief in her body and feels things very deeply. How do you help those really sensitive children, particularly right now?

Dr. Shefali
Right? So the first thing you do is you don’t ask them you just know. Right? Like you said, she was just feeling it. You just know you’re That kid is going to be feeling everything. But don’t ask them to put it in words. You can say, it’s a lot, I get it, and I’m here for you. And for that kid, you’d watch less TV around her, you talk less about it. Because for that good one bar stays for 30 days, you know, they can’t handle more than that. So we attune ourselves and protect them from too much info too much energy around it. And you bubble wrap them in some way because they feel things on on a reverberatory level far deeper than the rest of us. Let them know, you know, you’re you know, you can say you’re just like me, or you’re just like Grandma, people like you absorb things. And it’s such a gift, but it can be a lot. So you come and tell me when it’s a lot. And we’ll take a spa day. We won’t go on zoom. We’ll take a break. You know, you have this gift, you feel things beautifully. But then it’s a lot to feel. So I get you know, you let her know, this is a time to let people know how they are operating. And let your kids know, you know, you you when you’re stressed you procrastinate, don’t you? Or when you stress you get angry all the time. Like you’re irritable. Like you can I tell my daughter, you know you dump a lot. You she’s 17 she dumps on me a lot. I go wow. And I guess you’re really anxious because you’re dumping on me. It’s okay to kind of show the coping style, you know, but not in a judgmental way. It just did now. Interesting, huh? All you can say, well, I’ve been eating a lot. I’ve been wanting to sleep a lot. So you let the kids know, this is how we’ve been coping. And of course with the book with them, and allow them to know it’s okay.

Vanessa
Yeah, yeah. We have our day to tools, you know, Should we listen to an audio book, take a bath, or put the diffuser on? self care? Yeah, absolutely. So let’s talk about siblings. The question is asked more affectionately. Fighting. But the question is, can we really? Can we expect our children to be affectionate towards each other? How can we set our kids up for the healthiest relationship amongst each other

Dr. Shefali
that we can love? You know, it’s going to give you a cliche answer, because in the in the heat of the moment, it feels like, like they’re going to destroy each other. But the cliched answer, you know, which all psychologists will say, get them to sit down and share their feelings, you share yours, and then you share. And let’s have the value of having each other’s perspective and raise empathy. The most important thing, besides all that those are all really great is for the parent do to be relaxed, you know, siblings dump on each other. And they will develop their own relationship, whether you like it or not, meaning they can be really bonded right now and fall apart later, they could be separate right now, and come together and go back and come together, you know, with your siblings. I know with mine, it’s, it’s completely unpredictable. And the best thing we can do is ride the wave. If they’re not destroying each other, they will work it out. This is beyond, you know, their relationship is their karma, so to speak, their fate, their destiny, it is at the end of the day, you can teach them not to destroy each other. And you can of course, just by being home, they’re going to love each other. That’s a given. But more importantly, they’re going to remember things like my mom always took that kids side, my mom always put me down, you know that that’s what sibling rivalry is, is rivalry for the parents attention, rivalry for the parents esteem. So the parent needs to each day clean up their own feelings about this one versus that one versus that one, and approach each one with the same boundary. I don’t know how you do it, Vanessa, you have five kids, but you must do a lot of work on making sure you’re not aligning more with one versus the other.

Vanessa
So I have another question about siblings. What if you feel one sibling is hurting the other self esteem? One is super sensitive and the other one’s now?

Dr. Shefali
Instead of telling the bullying one, to stop the bullying, because it’s a paradox already, right? You can’t tell the insensitive mom to be more sensitive. Don’t teach the sensitive one, to create boundaries. And go I get you you’re sensitive, then sensitive. You need to create boundaries, create that and help that kid Greenbank.

Vanessa
Yeah, that’s good advice. So let’s go more back to the book. So the title of the book is superpower transform, and I love that word transform anxiety into courage, confidence, and resilience. So let’s talk about that transforming part.

Dr. Shefali
So in the book, we really talk about how we all came to this earth full of powers, V o W, E, just quickly P is presence, we came with presence, always originality became with it, wholeness, energy, resilience, and then we call it that, that the superpowers got zapped, and it got zapped because we had pressure to fit in, to achieve, to compete, to compare, and to think of the future. So we go through each of why this happened. So we call it what a thing, because we live in the futures we have to stop what it thinks we can return to being present. Our originality was robbed because we tried to camouflage ourselves and fit in which it’s not to do that. We lose our wholeness, because we begin biting away at our inner worth and self esteem. By cocooning. We hide who it is we are, we teach our kids how to do that, how to return to wholeness, we’re fried because we’ve lost our sense of purpose, meaning or transcendence. So fried is is the reason why we’ve lost our energy. And we’ve lost our resilience because we have this fear to succeed and be perfect. The reasons why we lost the power is explained. And then how to reclaim the power techniques to reclaim the power is explained. I mean, it’s so thick, it’s got so much stuff. It’s got practical examples. I mean, it is the book of the times, I am so proud of it. And it really breaks it down in such a good friendly conversational interactive journal workbook way. So buy the books, read the book, share it with your friends, it’s the book you were waiting for. It’s it’s the book that your kid needs to self therapy buys without realizing they’re doing therapy on themselves. You know, it’s so fun.

Vanessa
Yeah, it’s it’s brilliant. And I read through it and it’s it’s so helpful. Whether the kid is doing the book directly or the parent is reading the book to have the language To help the kid and there’s a question here about how to start the conversation to see how kids are feeling. And I would take the question a little bit further, which is, what if you have a kid who’s like, Mom? Come on. It’s like, I’m finally me alone. You know, just like a brick wall that have nothing. No, no,

Dr. Shefali
I don’t want to do that workbook and I don’t want you know what, then then then you don’t that you don’t, you know, you don’t you don’t you don’t you don’t you? You on a way. Okay. It is. Maybe it is like, Please, I’m fine. I haven’t done this book with my kit. I showed it to her. And she was like, like, did it like, I’m not anxious. And she like, thank you. And like, you can just read it. No. So I didn’t force it. I’m like, Okay, I guess you’re okay. You know, I’m not gonna force it. So with younger, that’s the beauty of younger children, you can force them younger children, you can force. Let’s read this book and have some ice cream under the tent. My mom, younger kids under the age of 13. You should be doing it. The minute your kid is that 1213 Mark, you can’t force them. But younger kids, you can make it fun. You can go daddy’s doing chapter 12 and read chapter 11. Which after you do for younger, this is your opportunity to get them young, you know, but there are many teenagers, I will tell you, many teenagers who are loving the book, my kid just think she’s 25. You know, but because she’s grown up with me as you like, please, I know. I know. I know what I feel. for teenagers, I would just say, Hey, you know, let me read you these lines and tell me what you think about it at the at the dining table or just in the car. Don’t give them the whole book. They’ll ask for the book. So I will just entice them where you know, here it says happiness is a temporary feeling we shouldn’t try to achieve happiness. There’s something paradoxical, something spicy. What do you guys think? Do it that way as a game on the table? You don’t have to read every page. And then if they love the book, they’ll take it from you.

Vanessa
Yeah, we don’t have a lot of time. But I want to ask one last question, which is when your teenager who used to cuddle up with you and tell you everything about their day, all of a sudden says no, I’m, I’m exercising my right to not need you anymore. How do we manage that? The way I think of my parenting is how do I equip them to not need me anymore? I’m so excited for when they don’t need me. I think that’s also the benefit of having five that by the time I’m done parenting five, I’m done. Right, like,

Dr. Shefali
hope I hope you’re done after five minutes. I’m done after one. So after 5am done, okay. That’s really rejuran extra are to be done. Okay, you needed to have. So, yes, you’re right. We were so excited when our kids don’t need us. However, it’s a it’s just a reminder, to create safety. You know, so yes, it’s great. Your kid doesn’t need you don’t force it. But remember, maybe they’re not opening up because you yelled at them last time. So the next time there’s any opportunity to drop something, they forget something they Yeah, create safety. Safety is the only way people open up. And if your kid is shutting down the two reasons one is because they genuinely developmentally think you are so old. Or the second is that you’ve made it to unsafe. Yeah. So if it’s the first year, second, make sure so we never know for sure we want to we will always want to create safety. Yeah. Which is hard to do sometimes. But that’s the goal. I want my kids to talk to me. So I have to always be open. Don’t judge. So if you have a if you have a teenage girl, for example. And she tells you about how everyone was drinking, or she comes out of a room wearing a bra, and she’s going out of the house, and you’re like, you have to think do I want my kid to change in another person’s house? Or do I want make it to be open and change in my house? You’re always thinking what can create connection?

Vanessa
Well, thank you so much for today. I do want to leave a minute for you to tell us about all of the other work you do. I love the fact that we got a chance to really talk about this book, but it is just one part of everything that you do. I know that you have conscious parenting coaching, which is so exciting that you teach others to help parents become more conscious parents and a website with lots of other things that you offer including summits and gatherings and membership. So tell us about everything that you offer. Okay,

Dr. Shefali
so a couple things that I offer. Our first one is the conscious parenting Coaching Institute. So we open twice a year. We have fabulous cohorts of people dedicated to wanting to be a coach in their own lives better at doing this in their own life. And having a fabulous career of service, helping others on zoom online on phone, helping other parents go through parenting struggles. So, this cohort has 133 people. It’s amazing. We have a Spanish section. It’s just so flourishing. It’s all online. Fabulous support. It’s, it’s just amazing. So if people are interested in possibly doing this in the future, they should sign up for my newsletter on my website so they can get in my system. I have a women’s support group called luminous that meets every week. And that’s fabulous. And that’s just for the price of a Starbucks. I have lots of courses online, so people want to start their spiritual journey they can do my signature course is called the awakened heart. I have meditation courses. You know, every Sunday, on my Facebook page, I do this viral wisdom teaching. I did it for 6052 days straight, and then I went to once a week. So I have a lot of things. If they are on my Facebook page on my Instagram on my newsletter, they will get to know about it.

Vanessa
Yeah. Great. Thank you for sharing all that with us. I think it’s important for people to know that you’re not just about parenting, right after the show so much more. And so people who don’t have kids or people who are like my kids are fine, I need to think about me that you have so many offerings for them. So thank you for so much for being with us today. Thank you for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, we welcome you to stay close and discover more of our offerings. Check us out on Instagram @nushu or visit nushu.com for more.