I think about getting old all the time.

Not in a panic-y, anti-aging cream way. In a “what do I want life to feel like when I’m 80?” kind of way.

Crochet club? Mahjong mafia? Commune with the girls? I have some wild thoughts about aging, and I’m starting the work now.

How I Choose to Grow Old

Someday, I think I’m going to write a book called How I Chose to Grow Old. Or maybe I’ll write it now and call it How I Choose to Grow Old.

I’m not sure anyone will care about my specific choices—but the point of the book is that as we get older, our choices narrow.

Our choices narrow in what our bodies can do, and in what we have access to. When we’re young, we have work, kids, friendships, stimulation. But as we grow older, many of those structures fall away. And for a lot of people, that creates loneliness and a loss of purpose.

So the real question becomes: how do we keep choice alive as we age?

Expanding Our Choices

Choice, to me, starts with preference.

It means being in touch with what we like, what lights us up, what feels good, what feels meaningful.

You’d think that would be easy—but in my work with hundreds (actually thousands) of women, I’ve learned that so many of us have lost that muscle. We’ve spent years tending to others—our families, our work, our communities—so thoroughly that we’ve forgotten what we like.

When you’re constantly serving others, you lose touch with the simple pleasure of serving yourself. And that’s what creates so much emptiness later—the feeling that life has lost its texture, its joy, its sense of aliveness.

The Two Ingredients of a Fulfilling Life

To me, fulfillment as we age comes down to two things:

1. Aliveness — doing the things you love
2. Connection — doing those things with people you love

And midlife—our 40s—is the perfect time to start building the scaffolding for both.

Take up hobbies. Try new things. Build your circles now.

Whether it’s golf, mahjong, hiking, crocheting, painting, taking a language class, or just learning something new—it’s all practice for staying curious and connected.

Despite the brain fog that sometimes comes with perimenopause, we are still in our cognitive prime. That means now is the moment to learn, to build, to gather, to create structures that will support us later.

Because later, when our bodies make it harder to get out and connect—like I see with my mom, who works so hard to stay active and engaged—we’ll be so glad we did.

The Power of the Commune (Kidding, Not Kidding)

And of course, all this isn’t just about hobbies or habits. It’s about people.

Who are you choosing to grow old with?

I’ve been joking with my girlfriends for years about building a women’s commune—one where we take care of each other when we’re older. But honestly? I’m only half kidding.

Every single woman I talk to about this says the same thing: “I’m in.”

Because we all want the same thing—to live out our lives surrounded by people we love, doing things that bring us joy, and being cared for as we care for others.

The New Definition of “Diva”

So now, I’m rewriting that story.

Like Dolly, I want to be able to say:
I know who I am. I like who I am. And I think the world is a better place with me in it.

That’s my diva era. Not ego. Not arrogance. Wholeness. Self-trust. Radiance without apology.

Maybe it’s time for all of us to enter our own.

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