I used to think I didn’t have time for hobbies. Now I think they might be a lifeline.

There was a time when I didn’t know what I needed, didn’t know what I wanted, and honestly… didn’t feel much at all. I was tired—so tired I didn’t even realize it. I was numb—so numb that every day was just about putting one foot in front of the other.

But I still took care of business.

I spent years mastering the art of being useful. Then, out of nowhere, I discovered the quiet magic of doing something entirely pointless. And it brought me back to life.

Find a Hobby (Seriously)

This isn’t really an advice-giving space, but if I were going to give you one suggestion—just for kicks—it would be this: find a hobby.

And I have a feeling that if you’re here, you might be a lot like me. Maybe you’re a woman in your 40s, maybe a mother, definitely busy. You’ve probably spent years getting really good at what you do—caring for others, managing a million things, being effective, efficient, capable. You’re excellent at understanding what everyone else needs.

But maybe you haven’t spent much time asking yourself what you like.

Three Questions to Ask Yourself

When I work with women, I often ask them to start with three simple, but deeply revealing questions:

How do I feel? What do I want? What do I need?

When I first asked myself those questions years ago, I came up with nothing. I was numb. After having five kids in six years—eight straight years of being pregnant, breastfeeding, or both—I was just running on empty.

If you had asked me how I felt, I probably would’ve said “tired.” And not in a cute, I-need-a-nap way. I mean bone-deep exhaustion, the kind where every day blurs into the next.

And those questions—How do you feel? What do you need? What do you want?—felt impossible. Because if I did have needs, who was going to meet them? It was easier to lock them in a box and throw them to the bottom of the ocean.

Back then, “self-care” wasn’t a word anyone used. The idea that you actually had to take care of yourself to function wasn’t mainstream. I remember going to a dinner about self-care, and everyone was like, “Wait, what’s self-care?”

Learning to Feel Again

That disconnect was so deep that it wasn’t just emotional—it was physical. I remember realizing, at the end of a long day, that I desperately had to pee. Not “oh, I should go,” but painfully.

And I realized it wasn’t that I had noticed and ignored it—it was that I hadn’t even felt the sensation until it was unbearable. I had become that good at overriding how I felt, physically and emotionally.

So when I started asking myself what I wanted, it was almost unbearable. Because for many of us, wanting feels dangerous. We’ve been trained to tune out our preferences—to believe our job is to serve, support, and keep everything running.

The Point of a Hobby

So back to hobbies.

A hobby is powerful because it’s inherently unproductive. It exists simply because you like it.

And that’s radical for a lot of women who’ve tied their worth to productivity. The whole point of a hobby is: I enjoy this for no reason other than I enjoy it.

Recently, I’ve become obsessed with my hobbies—crochet, knitting, needlepoint, surfing, natural perfumery. None of them are efficient or productive. But they bring me so much joy.

A hobby invites you to ask, “What do I like?” No one can answer that for you. You have to feel it for yourself. Sometimes that means trying new things and seeing what sticks. Maybe you’ll hate it—that’s fine. But you might love it.

Being Bad at Things

The other thing I love about hobbies? They remind you how to be bad at something.

If you’re like me, you probably hate being bad at things. But with hobbies, the stakes are low. You can mess up your knitting and learn something about yourself in the process. You can decide whether to fix the mistake or leave it—and either choice teaches you something.

I’ve left mistakes in my projects, and even though it drives me nuts, it’s good for me. It’s good to look at something imperfect that I made with my own hands and say, “There’s a mistake there, and it’s okay.”

Joy for Its Own Sake

Hobbies also bring back fun. Real fun. The kind you can share with friends, the kind that reminds you what it feels like to just like something.

And I think that’s the heart of it. For women who’ve been taught that their value lies in their usefulness, that joy is earned only after everything else is done—finding a hobby is a quiet act of rebellion.

It’s saying, “I get to want things. I get to enjoy myself. I get to waste time.”

So yeah—find a hobby. Try something new. It doesn’t matter what it is. It only matters that it’s yours.

Thanks, as always, for being with me. All my love.

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