My toxic trait is that every idea I have, I think should be a book—and I’m convinced it would be a New York Times bestseller. I always come up with a pithy name that I self-congratulate myself on. So I name a lot of books. Reality check: I have published exactly zero books. But I’m working up my courage, so I hope you’ll stick with me.

The latest book title? “We’ll Find the Men on Mars.” Or maybe it’s “Let’s Go Find the Men on Mars,” or “Let the Men Stay on Mars.” You get the idea. It’s a little play on the “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” concept.

The Basic Need We’re Missing

Here’s the problem I see: women are expecting men to show up in ways that emasculate them, because men can’t meet one of our most basic needs. And that basic need is to feel nurtured.

I often say to friends of mine, “I just want to be cared for the way I care for others.” I want to be mothered the way I mother others. Not in the literal sense of parenting, but in the energetic sense—being held, comforted, cared for. That moment of someone stroking your hair and saying, “Honey, I’m sorry. That’s so hard. It’s going to be okay.”

Women give this energy constantly, and part of us longs to receive it, too. But the truth is, the way women do this, men often can’t. And so we get disappointed.

Who Can Give Us This?

The solution is simple. We already know who can mother us in this way: our women. Our girlfriends. Our female friends who intuitively know how to hold us, comfort us, and feel into what we need.

It doesn’t mean men aren’t important. It means we can get this need met by our women so that our men can stay men.

Honoring Men for Who They Are

Take my husband, for example. He’s a king among men—kind, caring, deeply in integrity. But when I get frustrated that he can’t give me this particular form of nurture, I realize I’m asking him to be from Venus. And that’s not fair.

In our relationship, he’s the warrior, the protector. He’s the one guarding the gates so I can live fully in my intuitive, sensitive, unguarded self. That is a gift. And it deserves to be honored, not undermined by my unrealistic expectations.

Yes, I need to tell him what I need. And when I do, he shows up like a champ. Sometimes he surprises me in beautiful ways, too. But I don’t expect him to intuit my needs like my girlfriends do. That would set both of us up for failure.

The Real Takeaway

So maybe this book idea isn’t a book after all—it’s a voice note. The idea is simple: let’s let the men stay on Mars, while we take care of what we need on Venus.

Thanks for being with me. All my love.

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